It is a well known fact that a positive appearance shapes perception but did you know it could cause an urge to destroy?
As I navigate existing beautifully, it is evident that people, men and women, were programmed to pervert good.
From the time we are born and given to our parent a ticking clock goes off until we are exposed to a lie.
It could be your parent handing you a french fry in joy of you eating “adult food”.
The fast processed food industry being one of the first ways we are taught that good is bad and bad is good.
The fallacy that cheap and warm outweighs emotional and physical effects is present in all ways.
We are taught that quick fixes soothe our issues but left with insurmountable anguish of them all.
The warfare transcends into human interaction.
I was in corporate america burnt out. distressed and seeking after any Christian connect, I come across a profile that fits who i would aspire to befriend.
A black male in tech who openly loves God. I instantly view his face and have zero pshysical attraction, skip pass that and read that he works at my jobs partner company integrator. Such a great connect in my head. Select send.
Then it happened.
I was terminated from my job. Open to see God I remembered that guy who is based near me and searched his name to see how the heck is he a black person in tech who loves God and still employed.
I see he runs a group.
I look it up on instagram follow and go abotu my chaotic tech sales healing journey.
Months past and I am intrigued by an event ad on instagram for his events worship night.
I am reminded of poor experiences in churches here but say to myself, “I am determined to get worship out of this and not be manipulated into offense”.
Driving over I begin to hope to meet a fine man. Then it hit me.
I am reminded that the only way I learned about this event was the unattractive LinkedIn Connect.
Instant prayer against bumping into him ensues.
God please dont let me sit by that ugly man.
i walk in.
I see one of my favorite worship leaders his eyes lit in lust and get sad.
Then I see a tank top pianist and his gay demeanor and his stare at me and get sadder.
I moved from their eye sight.
I go to the front and center and am in an aisle seat next to someones man in an aisle seat.
This is worship and I am black and a fine female. I don’t want to be by anyone’s man.
Irony of this statement above loading in 5 4 3 2 1
I see a pretty woman and her man and she smiles slightly at me. I instantly over exaggerate it as a sign that she my friend and sit near her with 4 seats empty on my left.
Worship ensues.
Then 1 of 4 seats is taken by a tall black married youth pastor. My thoughts:
Ew now I got to praise God in a place near a kid black guy with his kid black guy mind. He’s married and is going to assume the worse. Ah. sucks
Then more time passes I look over and it happens.
Ugly man from LinkedIn is now two seats down.
Oh sadness.
I let out a comprising smile and think to myself:
At least I’m not by the married one anymore. I wish I sat in the back.
Proceed with prayer.
Ugly man gets on stage and chooses to rewrite his life…
He starts solid with encouragement.
Then this man goes rogue.
This man chooses violence.
He says super dramatized, “This is not a place to meet a man…This is not a place to meet a woman”
My toned shoulders flex and I proceed to cover my wrist with my arm and push down my frustration with this pure attack on my value and desires.
- He is below sea level on the totem scale of who I would even imagine dating.
- I came to genuinely see if my type was there and was sad to see it was not.
- He made men desiring me seem like a crime.
- He tried to paint himself as pure and me in the wrong place/wrong time as some sort of woman in need.
All these happened at once. to top it off lustful worship leader began to smirk at gay pianist.
The trauma.
My hands somehow appear aggressively on my hips and my black girl head somehow aggressively is cocked to the side.
Not my fault just muscle memory.
I then proceed to relax but realize he will come back to sit by me with that outrageous assumption on his breath.
My worship was lower than I would have liked and I was worried and proceed with yelling:
“Interrupt this room JESUS”
Lust worship guy proceeds to jump off stage and do a lap.
The audience is not hype at all.
Then it went from bad to worse.
The lead pastor and a white guy get on stage and scripture hop between 10 books of the word.
I am young in my faith but also it is incredibly disorienting to flip through scriptures to devise a message.
I grabbed my sparkling water bottle upside down and a little fizz spilled on floor.
Here comes pastors wife violence.
She see it and says “Girl I got you”
walks out for 10 minutes leaving me with the spill and confused as to why i cant go get paper towels on my own as an adult.
She returns with 1,000 paper towels. Petty toxic energy.
I take them all use one and then beautifully glide past her and throw them away.
Upon return the word was worse than before. Spewing out generalizations about our lives. Assuming we all are struggling rather than simply speaking on one story and one weakness in our faith.
After 90 minutes of this dance I grew weary.
The lead pastor pushed his last shame preaching with stating “You could die in the parking lot” as a way to get us to pray I guess.
I chose not to get prayer cause the service was rooted in manipulation and lust. I also have recently learned witches go into church services to be prayer leaders and cast spells so no thanks.
Oh speaking of withces. This is a part that you would only have to hear to believe.
The lead paster is a young tall light brown skin sort of ugly married man.
His voice screams Phillip Anthony Mitchell but no rhyme or reason to his preachings.
He speaks from an assumptive spirit. Which shows what that church was rooted on.
He did a lil performative gaslighting momebnt by looking at me directly statement “We have let witchcraft infiltrate our church”
Bro what?
So now since I am beautiful I am a witch too?
People (unattractive) would say oh you are just assuming, these are general statements.
But wise beautiful people know better.
Each assasination on my character was either due to pure ignorance or the fear ingrained in men when a high value women is around.
Theres a reason service went on for 90 minutes and we were shamed into our boredom being due to our inability to sit still.
There’s a reason the little unattactrive man chose to speak on dating knowing that is an area he is struggling in in his personal life and that he is not considered high value.
There is a reason my favorite worship leader’s eyes light up when they see me in a lust not healing regard.
it is because God warned me not to go but I insisted to seek out what I am bigger than.
I wanted that community to accept me.
I wanted to find a man.
I wanted to worship God and be renewed.
I never sit up front.
somehow I ended up front to see who these revered people really are.
A man with a wife is just a man. They can see beauty and try to frame it as desire while being incapable of dating. A preacher is just a man. They can read the word but not eloquently translate and spew aspersions.
A ugly man is just as prideful as a fine one. He can see beauty as something to protect himself from and strive to terrorize it.
I had a desire earlier on to stay so I staed way long than i should have.
From 7pm to 9:30pm enduring a room too small for me.
I then wanted to in some way fight them so I proceeded with oversharing on social media.
big mistake.
It presented an open door for the devil to make me prideful.
I deleted posts had a few AI chats. PRAYED AND WARRED IN THE SPIRIT.
Then decided to right. Comment below only beautiful women. All men will get blocked.
