I broke the fourth wall.
It was subtle yet certain.
“Can we enter the sanctuary?” I meekly ask as an attended after arriving at 6:25pm for a 6:30pm Revival night at church.
“Oh doors open at 6:40pm.” she replies swift and loud.
“So you advertise arrival for a 6:30 start but open doors at 6:40pm.” I reply bold, astonished.
“It is to give you more time to check out our merch.”
At this immediate aggressive red flag I had two choices, walk out of this cash grab facility or remain persistent pursuing an illusion of God wanting me in that environment.
What would a healed woman do? RUN
What would a woman that is a work in progress for God do? Stay and fight for no reason.
So guess which one I am? That second silly saved simple strayed victim eager to prove my value externally due to childhood.
But. God. Still. Gave. Me. Revelation.
At 6:40pm I walk in and take a seat in one of the most comfortable chairs up front.
Immediately I feel this wave of youth and chaos as I noticed teens crowd me up front.
I look up at the scream and see that the service would not begin until 7pm.
So they successfully convinced me to arrive 30 minutes early to sit around or hopefully shop.
Dread and anxiety flooded my body as I began to fight for optimism in this scam.
Then a pretty woman sits at the aisle seat where I am in the center. Fine.
Problem is she is awaiting her boyfriend. He sits down near her two seats from me. Not fine.
As an independent beautiful woman the last thing I want to ever do is worship near your boyfriend.
You don’t know or don’t care but men have no ability to control their desires.
I am desirable. Even if not their exact type. I am something. else. to. look. at.
WORSE arrived.
A large black woman plops down direct close to me and her large husband did too.
“What the f**?” I exclaim disregarding the santicty of church as they clearly already had.
“I know these seats are kind of small.” This woman chuckles oblivious to the fact that I was so alarmed at how close she was.
Startled I realized I would have to walk by her man to get through far away.
I pushed chairs in front so would make me a bit farther away from his old black desperate lustful simple sinful existence.
Then I retreat to a row far back and see a older African woman brings her kid behind me.
Objecting to that trauma, I literally walk out of the place and go to the other side in the “overflow area”
Upon arrival I am met with the most putrid stench and I fight to begin praising God.
Worship songs were so bland. They sprinkled some contemperary here and there but at a limited level.
I began my usual external battle
What is he thinking? Why is she staring at me? What are they doing? What is my beauty causing them to do?
It finally took me closing my God to fight for God.
I began praying like my life depeneded on it.
It was worth it.
I said to myself as I was in the corner of that production and rested in knowing God was there.
Only issue was my certainty that it was the wrong churhc did not outweigh my pride’s desire to stay.
I ultimately proceeded to leave and saw a white pale skinny woman crouched over with beads and doing spells visiblity.
“Stop doing that girl.”
I excliaimed out loud. I decided to go to the bathroom instead of leaving.
I returned but moved back to the original side.
Upon arrival I found an empty row and sat down.
The pastor arrives with a word about reviving our love for the church.
This is a revival? This is what we all showed up for?
Immediately red flag number 1,000,033
I hesitate to be myself and openly rebuke his distasteful sermon.
I let him continue.
This man takes us into the book of Ephesians in the bible and proceeds to flip the scripture quote about Jesus valuing the church into it being about his church.
Conviction greeted me far sooner than the wisdom.
I immediately said wait no thats not what those words mean.
I googled while he was rambling but google was hard to focus on with his speed and the loud black woman behind me screaming “YES PASTOR” and “BRING US HOME”.
Instead of getting the answer, I sat with clear discomfort aware that he did something bad but I could not put my finger on it.
His sermon was a myriad of micro-aggressions, self deprecating jokes, secular songs, and the audacity to encourage tithing in a gaslighting manner.
If I could describe his style it was more of, “See I have proof.” than a man with the oil of the Lord on him.
He said that we probably watch Pastor’s that are louder but that is not why I was upset.
I was simply upset because he flipped scripture, openly admitted he hates his job, and had no sound teaching about revival.
I left as he was speaking my favorite verse, “Now unto Him who is able…”
I wanted to beat traffic, gain some of my night back as I lost 3-4 hours of good productivity time chasing performative Christianty.
God has been working on me this last unemployed year.
When He moved me to Texas I vowed to seek His face in church.
I did not have wisdom. I know now that church in the bible is the body of Christ.
Church in it’s flesh form is an institution with systems, rules, politics, and mouths to feed.
Walking into a Church is no different than walking in a secular event.
The only difference is what you fear losing.
In a secular event you want the performance, in church you want the healing.
Only problem is they both want your money and will stop at nothing to convince you that you need to be either entertained or fixed.
I encourage you to take a break from social events and church to find a system of loving God for yourself.
