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The modern church is a lie.

I broke the fourth wall.

It was subtle yet certain.

“Can we enter the sanctuary?” I meekly ask as an attended after arriving at 6:25pm for a 6:30pm Revival night at church.

“Oh doors open at 6:40pm.” she replies swift and loud.

“So you advertise arrival for a 6:30 start but open doors at 6:40pm.” I reply bold, astonished.

“It is to give you more time to check out our merch.”

At this immediate aggressive red flag I had two choices, walk out of this cash grab facility or remain persistent pursuing an illusion of God wanting me in that environment.

What would a healed woman do? RUN

What would a woman that is a work in progress for God do? Stay and fight for no reason.

So guess which one I am? That second silly saved simple strayed victim eager to prove my value externally due to childhood.

But. God. Still. Gave. Me. Revelation.

At 6:40pm I walk in and take a seat in one of the most comfortable chairs up front.

Immediately I feel this wave of youth and chaos as I noticed teens crowd me up front.

I look up at the scream and see that the service would not begin until 7pm.

So they successfully convinced me to arrive 30 minutes early to sit around or hopefully shop.

Dread and anxiety flooded my body as I began to fight for optimism in this scam.

Then a pretty woman sits at the aisle seat where I am in the center. Fine.

Problem is she is awaiting her boyfriend. He sits down near her two seats from me. Not fine.

As an independent beautiful woman the last thing I want to ever do is worship near your boyfriend.

You don’t know or don’t care but men have no ability to control their desires.

I am desirable. Even if not their exact type. I am something. else. to. look. at.

WORSE arrived.

A large black woman plops down direct close to me and her large husband did too.

“What the f**?” I exclaim disregarding the santicty of church as they clearly already had.

“I know these seats are kind of small.” This woman chuckles oblivious to the fact that I was so alarmed at how close she was.

Startled I realized I would have to walk by her man to get through far away.

I pushed chairs in front so would make me a bit farther away from his old black desperate lustful simple sinful existence.

Then I retreat to a row far back and see a older African woman brings her kid behind me.

Objecting to that trauma, I literally walk out of the place and go to the other side in the “overflow area”

Upon arrival I am met with the most putrid stench and I fight to begin praising God.

Worship songs were so bland. They sprinkled some contemperary here and there but at a limited level.

I began my usual external battle

What is he thinking? Why is she staring at me? What are they doing? What is my beauty causing them to do?

It finally took me closing my God to fight for God.

I began praying like my life depeneded on it.

It was worth it.

I said to myself as I was in the corner of that production and rested in knowing God was there.

Only issue was my certainty that it was the wrong churhc did not outweigh my pride’s desire to stay.

I ultimately proceeded to leave and saw a white pale skinny woman crouched over with beads and doing spells visiblity.

“Stop doing that girl.”

I excliaimed out loud. I decided to go to the bathroom instead of leaving.

I returned but moved back to the original side.

Upon arrival I found an empty row and sat down.

The pastor arrives with a word about reviving our love for the church.

This is a revival? This is what we all showed up for?

Immediately red flag number 1,000,033

I hesitate to be myself and openly rebuke his distasteful sermon.

I let him continue.

This man takes us into the book of Ephesians in the bible and proceeds to flip the scripture quote about Jesus valuing the church into it being about his church.

Conviction greeted me far sooner than the wisdom.

I immediately said wait no thats not what those words mean.

I googled while he was rambling but google was hard to focus on with his speed and the loud black woman behind me screaming “YES PASTOR” and “BRING US HOME”.

Instead of getting the answer, I sat with clear discomfort aware that he did something bad but I could not put my finger on it.

His sermon was a myriad of micro-aggressions, self deprecating jokes, secular songs, and the audacity to encourage tithing in a gaslighting manner.

If I could describe his style it was more of, “See I have proof.” than a man with the oil of the Lord on him.

He said that we probably watch Pastor’s that are louder but that is not why I was upset.

I was simply upset because he flipped scripture, openly admitted he hates his job, and had no sound teaching about revival.

I left as he was speaking my favorite verse, “Now unto Him who is able…”

I wanted to beat traffic, gain some of my night back as I lost 3-4 hours of good productivity time chasing performative Christianty.

God has been working on me this last unemployed year.

When He moved me to Texas I vowed to seek His face in church.

I did not have wisdom. I know now that church in the bible is the body of Christ.

Church in it’s flesh form is an institution with systems, rules, politics, and mouths to feed.

Walking into a Church is no different than walking in a secular event.

The only difference is what you fear losing.

In a secular event you want the performance, in church you want the healing.

Only problem is they both want your money and will stop at nothing to convince you that you need to be either entertained or fixed.

I encourage you to take a break from social events and church to find a system of loving God for yourself.

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Do you want to go to heaven or buy the nicest car?

You can tell what prayer God is answering by your conflict and triggers.

Study how technology uses our behavior to encourage actions and understand that it is a copy of how we can use evidence of miracles to encourage actions. 

Example with tech: technology will show you something new. 

You click on it. 

The algorithm takes note and presents it once more. 

You don’t click. 

The algorithms caught that too and they present the same thing but then something new right beside it just to see if now you’ll go back or forward. 

You click on new thing. 

Bam cycle repeats with that but another option until you teach them what you like. 

Example with miracles and God: Authentic rooted breakthroughs do not happen from clicks determining what God gives you.

There is no keyword that you search for God to keep presenting that topic.

You see God presents experiences to answer the reason behind our selections. 

The first step is to pray for a miracle CORRECTLY.

That at the very least means you are attempting obedience to God’s direction rather than striving aimless and worthlessly to use works to get what will inevitably be meaningless when you die.

When you choose to initiate a prayer environment, that first welcomes the truth identity of God’s unlimited authority and the Jesus of Nazareth as your only King, your only healer, your only provider, you ARE obedient fully. 

Then the prayer for a miracle has no choice but to be adjusted to what would serve your true purpose fully. 

Let’s say you get there, after acknowledging what God can do and what you are here to do, and notice it is impactful for you to have a new car. You dig through your flesh and certainly identify that to live out your purpose here that car would allow transportation to and from places that need you. 

Next you present your case before heaven. 

List out your intentions. 

These are like click on technology but different in that God will not show you more cars.

He clocked that “transportation” word and will ensure you see more movement than you can ever imagine.

Movement not just in your finances to get the car but in your heart posture to KEEP the car and maintain the intention.

Jesus is seeking out what your reasons and desires are and shaping what you see around. 

Since God heard the intention is to be a strong efficient leader so you want a new car to get to your job faster. 

He sees that and offers you the trials of the strong efficient leader. 

You get in arguments. 

People repeatedly present behavior that God knows broke your chance of strong efficient leadership previously. 

He digs up what you buried and makes you sit with it until you use your awareness on Earth. 


Until you use the Holy Spirt’s wisdom. 

And. Start. To. Pick. Up. Your. Cross.

This is the communication armor that you decide to embody your true nature from God which only comes by daily reminders that God is who He is and made you who you are, all grand and great.

You notice the set up, climax and conclusion of each battle ends in you being further from your goal of strong efficient leader. 

So you put on armor. 

Prayer transforms from car to wisdom, vigilance, patience, creativity, strength, and forgiveness. 

Before you know it, you have increased credibility at your job. 

You have been promoted. 

You have wisdom, patience, creativity, humility and strength surpassing your understanding. Oh yeah and the little thing we call money on Earth gets to you easily to pay for the new car. 

When going to buy the car you are not eager to ask for more money from God because you sat there and dealt with the root of your desire. 

You are tired but excited for what is to come since you were given more than your request. 

Sharing your intentions with God allows Him to move mountains for you. 

Sharing your intentions with technology forces you to keep mentally striving for new shiny things that bring the same warfare and frustration without help.

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I could not imagine dating a man.

Where would we start? I know too much.

Just the thought of what would even initiate a reply from me is foreign.

“I would like to take you to *insert restaurant here* at 7pm on Friday. I would like to pay for your hair, nails, toes, and a nice dress/shoes. What is your Zelle?”

This seems to be the only compelling message that I would entertain.

And after that, what happens next? How can I be sure it is worth the warfare?

You read that right, I have a full understanding and analysis of the warfare involved in placing myself at the mercy of a dating interaction with a man.

Here are the five common battles:

  1. The intense interviewing process conducted by the male party dedicated to defining how they could conquer this challenge in their life. This could lead to false warm fuzzy feelings, fixations on their last name, and even deep investigation of his “type” in an attempt to understand how he is so “perfect”
  2. The deep performative theatrics that the male identifies after the interviews to assist in reducing static between the male and the goal of sex. This could include tears, gifts, money, and even shoutouts on social media that appear genuine by the Oscar award winning species.
  3. The conquerer tactic of isolation met with subjective rate due to a “wild night” where they force kisses and if female is dumb enough, they are even in a private home where no witnesses are around so ear hustling can ensure my undergarments come off. Which then leads to persuaded fornication. This act would disrupt years of deep prayer and relationship with God’s plan for my life.
  4. The “real” Christian man approach that leads me down a “Wow, he’s the one” false rabbit hole. With this event, I would be putting this man in a high category and valuing his discussions about God. This could and has led me down a path of disappointment when he couldn’t sexually wait any more and him visibly moving on portraying his new girlfriend’s dress on the hotel room floor and shoes as a badge of honor.
  5. The “final boss” of it all. Being out witted by the charmer. He single handedly dismantles the identity of every amazing woman in person, online, or in his family by studying her moves and wins What does he do to solidify the crush? Include my deepest secret in his arsenal and drop it at the least likely moment. Ex. pregnant, married, or simply Tuesday. This could send me into a confusion season where I am constantly releasing the trauma onto others by being rude, dismissive, and even struggling to perform.

So you see how this could never feel “safe”?

A part of healing involves a willingness to know we do not have everything figured out. Although I described a COMMON procedural that men carry out to get “what they want”. I left out a key factor, God’s will.

Fortunately I have had many years of private time searching for why things are the way they are and have concluded that there no rest on Earth because our time here is temporary.

I also am aware that God has people, places, and things created that each one of us could not imagine as it surpasses our authority level.

This makes me wonder…would having a person on Earth who is genuine matter? If I choose to live my life without shaping it to be desired and turn down all advanced would it be ok with “the powers that be” for me to just exist?

Or would my inability to imagine dating a man align with this creation God has for me that I have never seen?