writing – Vision of Voice

I got it. A combination of ADHD, neurodivergent, and genius.

Whatever it is, is in me.

The ability to comprehend at lightening speed but EXECUTE?

Nah.

It has to feel safe.

What does safe feel like?

Nonexistent in the presence of others but most importantly not there when there are leaders.

You heard me, leaders warp the flow.

Not because of my own inferiority. That is not in me.

But because of conditioning.

Repeated verbal and non verbal cycles of ensuring I feel my authority leads to non safe outcomes.

If a person is not stopped by their knowledge, it would be their emotions and vice versa.

Our brains all work like that.

But not all brains work the same.

You see there’s what I got and a few other people got.

The stuff in us that says step 1-5 of a 10 step list don’t matter. We hit step 6 first.

Then there’s the masses.

They need to go in order, slow and controlled.

They need that push.

They need…each other.

But no not me.

Since moving away from my family two years ago it got loud.

That it that I have not been able to exude.

Undeniable miraculously self sufficient.

But I tried to tame it.

Took jobs I was too big for.

Joined gyms I was getting bullied at and again too skilled for.

Group bible studies that my theological and spiritual understanding could not shrink into.

Then it hit me.

Staying says my it is not valuable.

Staying says I rather be bullied than effective.

So I did what I always do to limiting classwork or things the like. I just quit.

Now that it thing is why I quit, not laziness.

Laziness and that it cannot co-exist.

Laziness fears that it.

That it will synthesize, analyze, co-emphasize laziness until it has nothing to do but run away.

It is this brain makeup only explained by those who have it.

Who lived it. Who know it.

We are sensitive to…you guessed it….bullshit.

Yes we are privy to life being based upon patterns not behaviors.

We can see a set up a mile away, call it out and clear it out.

But again that happens when we are where? Alone.

In crowds that it gets perverted.

We began to feel peoples energy.

I parked in a DMV space that was labeled “Associate Manager” and was thinking they’re probably never here that’s why they have a parking spot cause they show when they feel like it.

I joyfully exited the car and noticed a gate blocking the non employee entrance and was instantly frustrated.

The parking spot was not there because it was a quicker distance to the door I needed so I caught on that I’d have to depart.

Then it happened.

I see a white older fat male employee smirk with his lame suit on as he jumped out his basic car.

I could not contain “it”.

I said “Don’t say any white bullshit or man bull shit right now, just shut the fuck up”.

What prompted this hostility you may ask?

My mind categorized this innocent bystander in the space of people he looked like.

People I have worked with. People I have coward under..

Enraged I exploded but in only the way a genius can, under your breath as you race into your car and close door without eye contact.

You see we are wise. We know our gifts have a price.

We know our opinions are quick and right but not received well.

We know.

It is in the times I have come home from work questioning if I was being too harsh when standing up for myself.

The times I called out an unattractive manager female for copying me, her pretty female employee..

THE RESPONSES WERE WARFARE.

So we do what we know best. Minimize and hope to not get attacked for being good. Attacked for being smart. Attacked for being blessed. Attacked for being right.

But that leads to time wasted.

After realized I do not fit in and that societies socializing rule was a fallacy to keep us with “it” assimilated I broke rank.

Got fired from a job for alleged not hitting quota.

I hit it but if people cancel that counts as a fire pretty girl strike.

I hit it but if ugly female manager felt ugly that counts as a fire pretty girl strike.

I hit it but if ugly female manager sabotages deals that also counts as you guessed it…pretty girl get out of here strike.

So I realized. This will never end. Even in gyms. Being stared at while I film is not due to intrigue.

It is due to insecurity.

Being in rooms where people are insecure makes me want to conform and be their help.

This was a conditioned behavior through my ugly mom beating me senseless after she came home from being treated ugly AND dumb at work.

I can’t imagine how it felt as she left work, the least paid, the least valued but the most studied. You see although she was stupid, she had gifts. Social gifts unlike the rest.

So what would a system do to a person who is not smart enough to be confident? Make them train others to be her boss.

Infuriating bait right? But her mindset of keeping the job made her rage manifest in me.

The only part of her life that was pretty.

The bright part the smart part.

She obsessed with humbling me.

Making me wear ugly clothes. Beating me for being “smart”.

Her exact words.

Then love bombing when I got old enough to fight back.

So it happened.

I carried her trauma backpack for 33 years.

Today I take off the backpack.

My brain being this way is not ADHD. It is a gift from God.

My pure joy in isolation is not a weakness. It is a strength from God.

Conflict is a trigger word for many pretty women now adults recovering from childhood abuse physical or mental.

This theme of using my discernment and ability to convey how someone made me feel then END CONTACT without fear is terrifying to the conditioning.

The conditioning says shrink.

The conditioning says go through your day afraid of what could be.

The conditioning says find out a way to get out of this safe.

Give them what they want.

Turn the other cheek.

Be less aggressive next time. It is your fault.

You can make them like you, try harder, don’t get rid of them.

Even saying the words pretty women can be attributed to “vain” or “malicious” by some looking to manipulate and diminish the terms.

But what happens when you let the person causing conflict win the game?

What happens when you decided to sit back and receive the outcome they desired.

Not only receive it but come up with a way to say it was a challenge you had to bear to learn something.

What happens then?

You. Step. To. The. Side. And. Welcome. Poverty.

That’s right, you allow your opportunity to be removed for their peace of mind.

It did not occur to me until 33 years of age when I realized how it manifests in other parts of my pretty woman life.

Here’s the cycle.

Person A sees me thriving and smiling. Then to top it off I am being kind to them too.

Person A is infuriated. Thriving says they could do more. Smiling says today is happy for me not them. Kindness says I deserve it.

Person A plots to study me.

Not just me but any other person like me so they are ready for this invisible war.

Then they pounce.

The attack is simple. A work sales deal where they are looped in and do not ensure the client feels supported.

Person A causes me to lose the deal and then offense comes at me as a distraction disguised as a problem to solve.

While I am so wrapped up in “innocently” complaining to them directly about their actions, I am not thriving.

Then comes the hook line and sinker!

Person A flipped it to being my fault.

While I spend hours replaying what I could have done differently, I am not smiling.

What is happening though?

Person A is thrilled. They sense their production hit a nerve.

They misinterpret their performance as evidence that they are valuable.

Person A feels so good that they begin to rewrite history.

Joy rooted in a fallacy of thinking can only be justified to them if they trick themselves into thinking they were wronged by my “arrogance” so this was deserved light.

Then comes the copying.

Person A watching me smile could only feel comfortable imitating it when it did not flatter me.

It would only not flatter me if I was no longer doing it.

Now do you see the correlation?

From the mental olympics caused by Person A, I am left frustrated, paranoid, and pessimistic.

Until I am faced with my own image.

That makes it even worse earlier on.

I begin to see me in them and find sympathy. The worst place to be as a pretty woman is worrying about Person A’s “feelings”.

I then decide to let Person A have whatever they were striving for. “The lost sales deal so I do not hit my quota”

Person A takes the money and runs!

I’m talking producing team viewable slideshows on how to be better at closing deals. Creating step by step video tutorials on how to be the best salesperson while wearing a hair style and shirt like mine. Any and every open mental avenue just to say “Person A is a winner.”

But what happens when the pretty woman prays?

Yes this blog entry is not just about why pretty women lose.

It is also about our secret weapon.

You see without prayer, pretty women would continue the Person A cycle with Person B.

But WITH PRAYER?

I am an oversharer anyway and when I finally take my case to someone stronger, I get stronger.

Prayer does not mean sit and feel sorry.

It means be with God and listen.

The story was detail ok fine but what about your calling.

Stating my case and then making a deliberate choice to shut up and be with God gives access.

Once, I did this before while struggling to make a bad business decision and God literally brought me to one of the most powerful Bible verses I never heard before Ecclesiastic 4:6. Case was open and closed that quick.

After this kind of prayer, when Person B pulls a fast one, I am ready.

In action this is how to do that/ how I specifically just handled that with Person B.

Let’s say a hairstyle was done horribly wrong by an exemplary stylist solely to ruin your hair growth and other unseen reasons not yet known to you.

You heard me, you walk in the salon oversharing about being an influencer, hair regrowth, and brands while smiling/thriving as usual. Then are met with that same Person A jealousy.

Your people pleasing and minimizing kicks in. Immediate trauma response.You’re off to a rocky start.

The stylist hits full send on the performance with BURNING your scalp with the hair dryer on your previously dried hair, then the repeated “accidental” shoulder hits while braiding, extreme tight braids, and ignoring your hairstyle request COMPLETELY.

She booked back to back so is frantically rushing you out as her next non pretty client (potential person C) glares you down.

The stylist ends the appointment with an aggressive head tap and says “Ok you’re done”

You bounce up glad it is over, terrified to comment on the poor result and experience.

You leave a tip and dip.

Then the pain settles in. The bumps form on your perimeter due to tension and over tightened braids intentionally poorly installed by ironically one of the cities greatest and most meticulous influencer braiders.

First instinct is shaky. You give in to the temptation, see her thriving posting brand collabs after that horrible appoint and you decide “Person A respond” to that thang.

You text her exactly what she did wrong after having to wake up at 2:30am sore and sad incapable of faling back asleep:

“The pain woke me up. My hair in the front was braided too tight. See pictures of tension bumps. When I told you that you blew dry my hair to hot you during my appointment, you did not reply. My back of head is so sore from that heat too. “

Then that Holy Spirit speaks up.

Block her.

That loser in you starts to question Him:

So no anticipating her response? No questioning what I did wrong? No checking her social media for confirmation that this issue was isolated to my beauty? No anger about her “appearing to be copying me and stealing my energy”

Nope. Just block her, do your best influencer content and never look back.

After Jesus speaks you begin deep prayer and rebuking principalities by name. Not her name but the spirits working on her and person A and Persons C-Z to follow!

All of a sudden you resist the urge to revise the influencer video you were drafting to show a horror story because you know that would take away from potential brands.

Then it hits you.

Influencer hairstyles KNEW it would do just that before you did.

SHE KNEW IT WOULD TAKE AWAY FROM POTENTIAL BRANDS.

You begin to feverishly show up on your platforms disciplined.

Fix the hair issue and post the video she angrily filmed with you and GET THE BRANDS.

You proceed to pretend as if she never existed.

Because she didn’t.

You see when the Bible says “We wrestle not against flesh and blood” that means we block our enemies, forgive them and do not ponder why they hurt us.

That takes our light back. That says no satan your plan did not succeed.

Then guess what turns around after those brands, YOU GET FINANCES.

If you would have did a video on an emotional deep dive about her character, behavior, and a charge back on my payment, she would have felt that false light of Person A.

She would have went on to do brand after brand after brand deal citing that her work is pristine and “no weapon formed against her shall prosper”.

Just could be out there using the word in vain!

But the detachment. Oh that hits different.

Her feeling seeing she is blocked ruins her plan.

But her not having any identity on my social media shows she is not valuable enough to sabotage, shrink my goals and MORE IMPORTANTLY ruins satan’s plan.

If you want to learn more about how to intentionally/patiently fight hear God’s voice over the deception of the enemy, then come back tomorrow for a clear breakdown.